I’m a grown man with a wife and two small children. About three years ago my father died and my mother went into a deep depression. It seems to get harder and harder to reach out to my Mom. She doesn’t always return calls and it is like pulling teeth to get her out of the house. I have to admit that I am hurt by her reserved behavior. Her grand kids need her and miss her. I would like her to be a part of my family more. There is still a land of the living that needs her. Please, how do I reach her again?

At Wits End

Dear Wits,

Grief. It can be like getting lost in a foreign land or even another planet. Some people never find their way back home. It sounds like your Mom might still be out on that road with no clue of where she is or what road to take. So how do you reach a missing person when neither of you really knows where they are?

First it takes patience. I know after three years it seems like you’ve been patient enough, but patience goes with work. If you are like most families, we tend to not want to push our grieving loved ones for fear of causing them more pain. Without a nudge most will stay in the darkness and numbing comfort of grief. So maybe you need to talk to your mom……gently. Let her know how you feel and that you love and miss her. She probably does not even recognize how disconnected she really is. It may take you reaching into her darkness to take her hand and help her out of it all.

Second, be understanding and compassionate. Not only did you lose your father, but a part of your Mom died too. A whole piece of life is missing from her. It can be disorienting for a widower, having to relearn how to live all over again. Imagine if you lost your wife how you might feel, it would be hard for the strongest of us.

Lastly, do not give up or stop the gentle pressure. She will never come back to life if people give her no reason to. Be her reason, let her know that you need her and so do your kids. Like millions of grieving people, she is probably stuck in the grief cycle. It is very easy to do. It is ok to apply gentle pressure but always do it out of love and patience. You may need to talk to her many times to keep her motivated, but sometimes that is all they need to do, talk and know they are still loved and needed.

Just remember she cannot read your mind, she does not know how much you love and miss her, how much you need her. She has no idea how far gone you feel that she is. In the great words of the Divine Miss M, she may just be “waiting for someone to say, Hello in there, Hello.”

Mr. Sexy